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Excerpt for Kennigma by , available in its entirety at Smashwords

Kennigma
by Kennie Kayoz
Copyright 2018 Coyotes Publishing
Smashwords Edition

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Time To Myself


I have so much time alone.

I don't have to worry about my phone.

Nobody be calling it.

While I just sit in silence.

I'm always an introvert

Wanting to leave this earth.

Thinking that there's got to be something more.

As I always look up at the sky

Prefer looking at the stars during the summer.

Letting my mind wander.

Trying to see what else is up there.

Am I the only one looking for something else.

Or is something else looking down at me.

Are the stars in the sky, all the angels that we've lost.

Sparkling above us to help us feel like we're being watched.

To give us something to believe in.

To help us when we're at our lowest.

Knowing that we have someone watching out for us.

Kennie

Get Me In My Zone


Let me get me in my zone

Where I'm most comfortable.

The thoughts flow out of me so smoothly.

I'm not bothered by what goes on around me.

It just me an my writing.

I'm focusing on what is important.

No time for distractions

Let my mind run free.

I could care less about the nagging.

I just want to focus on my thoughts.

I want to be in my zone.

Once I get to my zone.

I just need to be left alone.

At times nothing makes sense to me.

It has me scratching my head.

I then lose myself in what I write

Then when I come back down to earth.

Things just seem to be that much better.


Kennie

Can You Hold Me


Can you hold me.

Let me listen to your heart beat.

Lets breathe together so our hearts will sync.

Can I rest my head against your chest.

I just want to be close to you.

I want to hear you breathe.

I don't care how your heart sounds.

It sounds perfect to me.

The beautiful sound of your heart beat.

As we lay intertwined in bed.

Not speaking a single word.

Just laying in complete silence.

I want to listen to your heart beat.

I want to match your breathing patterns to mine

Can't wait to hold you in my arms again.

To stare into those beautiful eyes.

I want to listen to your heart beat.

So hold me close to your chest.

Let our breathing patterns match.

So our souls can do the rest.


Kennie

Is This What Life Is Like ?


Sitting here alone, as I do almost every day.

Listening to sounds of the house.

It creeks as the wind blows.

Not many other sounds I hear.

The house is silent from communication with people.

I generally don't hear much of it.

But of course I generally don't have much of it either.

Silence appears to be my life.

To be left alone.

Alone with one's thoughts.

As I stare at a screen that's lit up reading a news article.

Or trying to do the next mission in my current game of choice.

At times the silence is non existent as through my computer speakers music plays.

I guess this is what life has become for me.

Certain times it appears to bother me.

Other times I feel more comfortable with it.

It's almost like silence is my friend.

Kennie

Your Not Alone


Always remember your not alone.

Someone is there when you need them.

What your going through, many others have gone through.

It may not be your first time, but a hand is always reached out to you.

I know I can relate, I've gone through many things in my life.

Many times I've questioned my life and the state that it was in.

If I wanted to continue down that path or call it quits.

But something inside of me kept pushing me through.

I don't think it was the fact that I had someone.

Since most of the time I was alone in life.

Even when I had someone, many times I've felt alone.

Just felt lost in this world.

I pushed through for myself.

It didn't matter to me if I had anyone.

I didn't think I was ready, no matter how down I got.

I just kept on.

Always remember life has to get better.

Someone is always around to talk to.

You need to be alive.

You don't need to die today.

Kennie

I'm Not What You Thought


If you met me back in the day you wouldn't have heard a word.

I would be the shy kid hiding in the library with his face in the newspaper.

Checking the stats of last night's sports game.

Sitting around the table with a few people.

Most of which I went to elementary school with.

Not long before the bell everyone scatters, like my brain as they think I had ADD

I'm the last one to emerge.

I walk the halls alone.

Most people shouting obscenities at me.

I would walk by the vice principal and look at him, he'd drag my ass into his office.

Pull up my missed days on the computer, question me about them.

I would try to change the subject and question why he didn't do anything.

He wasn't having none of that so he would change it back to my missed days.

After he told me to sit down.

I told him if you got off your ass and did your job you'd see it.

So many things from that school that I do regret.

A few good things did come from that school.

Knowing that my life will be affected by those years.

Maybe one day something will happen and put that out of my mind.

I don't know

Only time will tell.

Kennie

Chemo


The one word that makes you sick to your stomach when you hear it.

It's just five letters long but you know what it's linked to it.

Only one reason why you would need that sort of treatment.

The entire world gets put into perspective when it's said.

You don't even know if your body will accept it.

Or will it be one of the times that it happens to reject it.

You won't know until it's injected.

Chemo the five letter word, we all know what it's linked to.

Laying in that hospital bed not sure what's going to be the end result.

Will your loved ones end up in tears as of the result.

Or will cheers be heard through the hospital.

Chemo the five letter word, we all know what it's linked to.

It's a tough word to have to swallow.

Not to mention the odds that happen to follow.

It's got to be one of the worse things one has to put themselves through.

Chemo the five letter word, we all know what it's linked to.

If you know someone going through it, keep them in your prayers.

If you have extra prayers to send, I have an Uncle whose going to be going to the hospital tomorrow for some chemo treatment so the extra prayers would be greatly appreciated.

Kennie

Time Alone


Times I just want to be alone.

I dream of walking out the door and never looking back.

Wouldn't matter to me if the sun was shining or if it was pitch black.

Just feeling like I need to walk away from here.

Need to get away from everything.

Feel like lots of the time my mind keeps spinning.

At times it also feels like I'm drowning.

Trying to find a way to keep my head above water.

Every time I look back I feel like I've drifted out either further.

Not sure what has caught me to drag me out to sea.

Maybe there's something that people need me to see.

Kennie

In The Dark


The clock is telling me it's time to go to sleep.

But my eyes are wide open.

My brain keeps rotating like a record.

Ideas keep flowing, my hands keep wanting to write.

I put on a movie to try to calm myself down.

But it doesn't help, the ideas just continued to get crammed.

So many things I want to write about.

I wish my brain had an off switch.

Guess this is the mind of an artist that I'm blessed with.

Or is it a curse, I haven't really decided yet.

Trouble entertaining myself when I'm alone.

Everything sparks an idea that tells me to write.

Most of the time I just want to sit and be entertained.

Almost seems like watching TV is out of the question.

At times it looks like I twitch when I try and watch things.

It's more so me trying to calm down .

Trying to relax before bed is a tough thing for me.

It doesn't help that at times I get out of bed just to write.

Kennie

The Struggle


Every so often, sometimes more often that not.

Things happen, it makes you take a step back from your life.

To reexamine things if you will, was it worth it. Will it be worth it

It could be just a little something, or it could be a big something.


It really gets you to scratch your head and contemplate life.

I know that life is full of struggles, it's full of moments that make you scratch your head.

But certain times if you don't stop and take a step back from life.

You might get caught up in it and lost, you might loose your way.


We all go through these struggles, sometimes more often than others.

The important thing is to take a step back and think about things.

To clear your mind of the situation.

When you appear to be up to your neck in it, you don't think clear.


People don't understand that it's OK to take a step back from life.

We know that life doesn't have a pause button, although at times we all wish it would.

But your allowed to take a step back and look at life from another angle.

I don't always recommend you talk to friends about certain life decisions.


But that's just me and growing up I didn't have many friends.

So ninety nine percent of my life choices were made by yours truly.

I admit that at times I rushed into decisions when I didn't think.

When you get stressed out at times that's what you do.


It's life and we all do make mistakes, no life is perfect.

Might look that way to the untrained eye, but when you dust it off. It's not.

We all have our own choices that we have to make.

Nobody can help us with life except ourselves.


I do find it tough to ask for advice from people.

Since I've learned that everyone will do things differently.

This isn't a video game, we're not run by artificial intelligence.

This is life, each person has there own unique thought patterns.


We all have our own unique ways of thought.

Ways of communication.

Ways of doing everything.

Next time you have that moment you struggle with, take a step back and think.


Kennie

I'm A Nobody


I know I'm a nobody, I write for the small crowd that comes to read.

In the world of poetry nobody knows who I be.

I'm just a drip in the ocean.

But I'm ok with that.


It's been 16 years and nobody knows me.

I knew this wouldn't happen overnight.

Nor the next day.

But I keep doing what I do.


I keep writing what I know.

Keep spreading my stories for all to read.

Always second guess, did I choose the right platform.

Am I looking left when I should be looking right.


So many thoughts flow through my mind.

Am I doing something wrong.

Or am I doing it all right.


Kennie

Gave It My All


I gave her my world.

I tried to be apart of hers

But I failed her and I failed me.

I am now a shell of my former self.

Learning how to pick up the pieces of myself.

It's becoming clear that nobody wants me.

I shall roam this earth a unwanted soul.

Being lost in the abyss of life.

Watching it move fast around me

While I stand still.

That is what you want me to do.

That is what my life will become.

Kennie

Blame Everyone For Your Mistakes


I see how you are

Once again when you make a decision that doesn't go your way.

You turn your blame to everyone else.

You point your finger at God and blame him.

Maybe I am the one you need to blame for everything.

If that is what you want.

I will take the blame.

It's what I am good at.

I feel like that's all I do.

I know that I don't stand up for myself.

I never have and never will.

I know I made a mistake to have this happen to me.

So just continue to blame me.

I'm not worthy of anything.

I never thought I would be good enough for anyone.

Every day I learn that this is true

Kennie


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